In a stunning reversal of intent, the IRS today issued a statement admitting they got it wrong.
“After further review, and speaking to our consulting organization led by new Treasury Secretary Jack Lew, we’ve decided that bitcoin acts more like a currency after all.” This was greeted with celebration at multiple companies which have been taking a harsh stance on the IRS’s previous declarations.
Overstock CEO Patrick Byrne issued a statement from a “Freedom Rally” that “Although the IRS has been used as a dangerous weapon against the Libertarian movement and has repeatedly shown hostile actions without legal recourse for Americans, “Once in a while they get one right.”
Agents in Police jackets labeled with IRS were seen taking several leaders from the peaceful rally into custody. When asked about the actions, two agents who declined to reveal their names as they were not authorized to speak to the press only admitted, “Hey we just do what we’re told.”
When asked to comment about the change in the IRS stance, former IRS leader “Lois Lerner” refused to answer questions and again invoked her Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination.
Jack Lew admitted he had some influence in the decision and had just needed more time since his new role to head Treasury Department has just begun. “I just finished hanging my portrait of Barack Obama in my office and the new paint in the office renovation hasn’t even dried. I think the fumes of the wet paint might have led to the premature decision to treat the currency only as property.” The Treasury Secretary left open the possibility that they may change their mind again. “Never say Never,” he was quoted as saying when asked if this decision would be final.
The division of government known as FinCEN left open the possibility that they too might declare an official stance of how they intend to view bitcoin. According to Director Jennifer Shasky Calvery, “We still don’t know what to call it. Sometimes we say it’s a Virtual currency, but we’ve been told it’s more like a Digital currency. Sometimes we call it a Cyber Currency – then other times we mention it is a Crypto Currency. Our official stance will be decided once we have a four square block drawn in chalk in the board room and release the chicken to decide which block to rest in = Whatever the chicken decides, we’ll do. Because of the four options, the usual method of Paper, Rock Scissors wouldn’t have worked,” she admitted.
There is still no word whether the Commodity Futures Trading Commission has declared bitcoin a commodity or currency. The Acting Chief Economist Sayee Srinivasan declared, “We still see ourselves in charge of the blockchain. We have a saying here – ‘If you can mine it, we can regulate it.’ So it is clearly our office responsibility to make that claim, and we clearly see ourselves in charge of it, no matter what the IRS says.” Although a SWAT team of IRS enforcement officers was standing in attendance during our interview, there are still some negotiations taking place between agencies. He would neither confirm nor deny that negotiations between federal agencies would ultimately be decided by “Indian Leg Wrestle”.
“One thing is for sure is that for this week probably it will remain a property. At least until Thursday when the final round of ‘Negotiation matches’ are scheduled to conclude,” he was quoted on the topic. When alerted of the IRS announcement of the reversal today, he smiled and told us any announcements before Thursday would not be the final word. “Since bitcoin hasn’t existed in our books until this year, we’ve got to settle things the old fashioned way, two out of three. We are much more civilized since the dueling days of Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr.”
